Captains Outrageous, Or, For Doom the Bell Tolls

by Roy V. Young
Reviewed date: 2005 Jan 20
Rating: 1
314 pages
cover art

Poltroons! You have sealed your doom! At this very moment, I am entering your names onto the list of the Eternally Afflicted! Lucky for you, I have the most exacting penmanship, so should you choose to turn and run away even now, despite the aspersions cast on mighty Bosamp, you might just barely escape deaths of unimaginable, drawn-out agony! Flee now or pay later!

Some books do not deserve to be read.

Captains Outrageous is a three-hundred page hack fantasy novel that relies entirely on poorly executed humor and puns that just aren't funny. The plot involves an evil wizard who is trying to ring the Bell at the Top of the World--which, if struck three times with the Mallet of Doom, causes the world to end. Our three heroes--Yor, Trebor, and Dword--are trying to stop him. I don't know if they stopped him or not, because I threw the book down in disgust.

Captains Outrageous is the worst book I have read in the nearly two years since I began writing reviews. It is only the second book in those two years that I did not finish reading. I give it a score of one.

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