Why Men Hate Going to Church
Reviewed date: 2006 Mar 27
232 pages
The book is just what it claims to be: an analysis of why the church fails to attract spiritual men.
The first question the book addresses is this: Is there a real gender gap in the modern Christian church? David Murrow inundates the reader with statistics to prove that 1) there is an attendance gender gap in church, to the tune of 61% women and 39% men in the average Sunday morning service in the United States; 2) there is a participation gap, with most church positions (with the exception of pastor and elders) filled by women and most church ministries run by women. These gender gaps are statistically significant and are not simply the product of women living longer than men, or men being busier with their jobs. Incidentally, other religions do not suffer a similar gender gap. It is an exclusively Christian phenomenon.
Next, David Murrow explores the reasons why men reject church. The reason, he says, is that church is geared toward women. And this is the meat of the book: methodical examples of exactly how the church appeals to women but turns men away. And this is precisely the part that may offend many people. When comparing men and women, one must fall back on generalizations. And Murrow does this.
Generalizations don't apply to everyone. Some of the example of feminine qualities in churches are items that I feel quite comfortable with. But on the whole, I agreed with Murrow's assessment. Nearly every time he pinpointed a feminine aspect of today's church, it was an aspect of church that has bothered me, or that I felt could be improved upon.
Prayer-and-share can be an irritant to men. You may have a couple of magpies in your congregation who stand up every week with some trivial thing to pray about: "Please pray for my Aunt Bessie's bunion." You may also have a couple of wannabe preachers who take two or three minutes to share what God has placed on their hearts. These are not prayer requests but sermonettes by people who want the spotlight. This grandstanding rankles men.
p. 142
Simple things such as changing the language we use to proclaim the gospel. Stop talking about "passionate relationships" with Jesus, and start talking instead about the challenge of following Christ.
Nowadays it's not enough to have a personal relationship with Jesus; many of today's top speakers encourage men to have a passionate relationship with Him. These teachers have chosen a very uncomfortable metaphor to describe discipleship. Speaking as a man, the idea of having a passionate relationship with another man is just plain gross.
...
If gets worse. More than once, I've been exhorted by a prominent men's minister to have a love affair with Jesus. I just saw a new book for Christian men: Kissing the Face of God. An ad for the book invites men to "get close enough to reach up and kiss His face!" Time out--this is a men's book? Yikes!
p. 136-137
Murrow concludes the book with a number of practical suggestions for how to bring the church back into balance without compromising the gospel. One radical suggestion: realize that Sunday morning services have nothing to do with church.
I know a number of men who are intensely devoted to Jesus, but who do not attend organized worship services. Robert Lewis estimates that his Men's Fraternity meetings regularly draw 100 to 150 men who do not attend church. Men are taking a Costco approach to faith, going factory direct, cutting out the middleman.
Is this good news or bad news for the church? It depends. If we want more men in church, this is a crisis. But if we want more men in Christ, this is an opportunity. If millions of men are encountering Jesus through small groups, perhaps we should be planting churches based on little platoons. It might even be time to rethink what it means to go go church.
p. 228
In conclusion, I don't know if this is a good book or not. Everything in it sounds true to me, but I have no basis other than my gut feeling. It's not a book about the Bible, it's a book about the modern church. If it were about the Bible, I could read the Bible as see whether Murrow was teaching the truth. But it's not, it's about the church. I don't know if the problems in the modern church are exactly as Murrow describes them, nor do I know any way to test what Murrow tells me. I am wary: I want to believe Murrow wholeheartedly, and I instinctively know that he is right. But it would be foolish to trust something merely because it reaffirms what I already thought. Therefore I must say that Why Men Hate Going to Church is an excellent starting point for examining the church, but Murrow's analysis is probably not the only way of looking at the data. It just might, however, change my life.
[Men have] no desire to fall in love with a wonderful man, even one named Jesus. ... Put another way, is the purpose of the Christian life to find a happy relationship with a wonderful man, or is it to save the world against impossible odds?
p. 16
Must we compromise the gospel in order to attract men? Certainly not. Jesus had no problem attracting men. Fishermen dropped nets full of fish to follow Him, but today's church can't convince men to drop their remote controls for a couple of hours a week.
p. 17
Again, we're not talking about what's preached and taught. The pastor may be offering stirring sermons, but the actual Christian life lived by most churchgoers is about as challenging as finger painting and as exciting as a bologna sandwich.
p. 20
If you look at the relatively thing stratum of professional clergy, then the church is male dominated. But if you look at the lay leadership, lay participation, and ideal Christian values, Christianity is female dominated. The church is a peculiar organization, led by males, but dominated by women and their values. Dr. Leon Podles says it well: "Modern churches are women's clubs with a few male officers."
p. 25
Given a choice, men rarely follow female leadership. One church I know experimented with all-female youth leadership; within six months 75 percent of the boys had disappeared. Pastor Dan Jarrell puts it this way, "When women lead, men leave." (I know, men are sexist pigs. They shouldn't be this way. But remember, we're talking about men as they are, not as they ought to be.)
Maybe this is one reason the Scriptures presuppose male leadership in the church. Perhaps the commands rise not from first-century sexism but from the realization that both genders respond well to competent male leadership. If you want men to come to your church, give high-profile positions to Spirit-led men. Sounds chauvinistic until you consider that men are heavily outnumbered at church.
p. 157
Woman readers, if you imagine your relationship with Jesus as a rapturous love affair, I must warn you: you are on dangerous ground for two reasons:
1. You are not the bride of Christ. According to the Bible, there is only one bride of Christ: the church (all believers collectively throughout time and throughout the world). Individual believers are not brides of Christ.
2. Your husband will never measure up to your fantasy. He cannot satisfy you if you harbor an image of Christ as your lover or husband.
p. 121
Nowadays it's not enough to have a personal relationship with Jesus; many of today's top speakers encourage men to have a passionate relationship with Him. These teachers have chosen a very uncomfortable metaphor to describe discipleship. Speaking as a man, the idea of having a passionate relationship with another man is just plain gross.
...
If gets worse. More than once, I've been exhorted by a prominent men's minister to have a love affair with Jesus. I just saw a new book for Christian men: Kissing the Face of God. An ad for the book invites men to "get close enough to reach up and kiss His face!" Time out--this is a men's book? Yikes!
p. 136-137
Prayer-and-share can be an irritant to men. You may have a couple of magpies in your congregation who stand up every week with some trivial thing to pray about: "Please pray for my Aunt Bessie's bunion." You may also have a couple of wannabe preachers who take two or three minutes to share what God has placed on their hearts. These are not prayer requests but sermonettes by people who want the spotlight. This grandstanding rankles men.
p. 142
I know a number of men who are intensely devoted to Jesus, but who do not attend organized worship services. Robert Lewis estimates that his Men's Fraternity meetings regularly draw 100 to 150 men who do not attend church. Men are taking a Costco approach to faith, going factory direct, cutting out the middleman.
Is this good news or bad news for the church? It depends. If we want more men in church, this is a crisis. But if we want more men in Christ, this is an opportunity. If millions of men are encountering Jesus through small groups, perhaps we should be planting churches based on little platoons. It might even be time to rethink what it means to go go church.
p. 228